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Friday, August 10th, 2007
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Just looked at an article noting a rise in the use of aerial drones for surveillance of the public. This bothered me immediately. I wondered what the logic was that made this acceptable. "It's more efficient, impartial, blah blah." But to me a boundary is being overstepped. Humans are trying to enter God's domain -- that of the omniscient, omnipotent Eye-in-the-Sky. But humans are from earth -- their domain is terrestrial, yet they seek to impose their will as if they were God, bringing all before "justice." They are seeking their own downfall, bringing about a new legalism, confining themselves to a bureaucratic fate. They create dead machines to impose their cold will on the burgeoning life that is humanity. How are they so blind?
My outrage comes as they intrude on my symbolic systems, my conception of God and His domain. Now they no longer have to build a tower, they just launch a mindless drone, and as it surveys, all fall to their knees to obey the mindless false idol that can only betray.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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You will learn to give me up, as I will to you. Some day things will be different, but who's to say where we will be when that happens?
I put no stock in the future. Plans get fucked, God taught me that.
I will miss you always, care for you always, love you always, but I don't know if I'll ever see you again.
[
They say God makes problems
just to see what you can stand
before you do as the devil pleases
& give up the thing you love...
...but no one deserves it.
]
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 12:22 am. |
| Music: | Elliott Smith - I Better Be Quiet Now. |
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I love you, dad.
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July 27 1950.
Please direct your attention to previous entry.
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Wednesday, July 25th, 2007
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Wish you gave me a number
Wish I could call you today
Just to hear a voice
I got a long way to go
Getting further away
If I didn't know the difference
Living alone would probably be ok
It wouldn't be lonely
I got a long way to go
Getting further away
A lot of hours to occupy, it was easy
When I didn't know you yet
Things I'd have to forget
But I better be quiet now
I'm tired of wasting my breath
Carrying on, getting upset
Maybe I have a problem
But that's not what I wanted to say
I prefer to say nothing
I got a long way to go
Getting further away
Had a dream as an army man with an order
Just to march in my place
But a dead enemy
Screams in my face
But I better be quiet now
I'm tired of wasting my breath
Carrying on, not over it yet
Wish I knew what you were doing
Why you want to do it this way
So I can't go the distance
I got a long way to go
I'm getting further away
I got a long way to go
Getting further away
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What matters to you is not me, roll up your sleeve and see -- let's get down to business, shall we? Bleeding freely seems so scary to you, calling me wondering what to do. My heart's run dry and bitter too. No words to speak and nothing to do, and still you'll tell me I love you. Look around for life to be found -- this place is done and gone. You sold yourself and we haven't won. A benedicting grace -- I lost face when I tried to give you a hand but you took an arm for demands. Stick it up, I'll stick you up and watch life pass by. Nothing more to do except to cry.
Something missing, something gone. I don't know how long I've spent without this feeling such regret. can't discern the source of anguish -- you or that thing that gets between us, stabbing my heart from your arm you'll kiss me again my heroine. You're now within me, heart and vein, mind and brain, temporary relief but the pain remains. To see you soon I almost swoon, I'd swim the stars and jump the moon, all in order to return to you, stop the needle running away with the spoon, or will I in turn just burn the two and pull the pin? -- push you away to push you in.
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Thursday, June 28th, 2007
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drink up, baby. stay up all night
with the things you could do, you won't, but you might.
the potential you'll be, that'll you'll never see --
the promises you'll only make.
drink up with me now and forget all about
the pressure of days. do what i say
and i'll make you okay, and drive them away:
the images stuck in your head.
the people that you've been before,
that you don't want around anymore;
they push, and shove, and
won't bend to your will --
I'll keep them still.
drink up, baby. look at the stars.
i'll kiss you again between the bars
where i'm seeing you there with your hands in the air
waiting to finally be caught.
drink up one more time,
and i'll make you mine
keep you a part, deep in my heart,
separate from the rest,
where i like you the best,
keep the things you forgot.
the people that you've been before,
that you don't want around anymore;
they push, and shove, and
won't bend to your will --
I'll keep them still.
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Again I'm somewhere I feel I'd rather not be, unsure of how I got here, if/why there is a purpose, and angered by and at God.
So it is my dedication as I sink alongside this burning boat that I make the best of the summer. That includes physical and mental self betterment. So I've taken up physical activity. In attempts to prevent myself from going anywhere, apparently I've taken up smoking (after "quitting" H and C). Sure. Right.
The book was finished first, before another, When They Severed Earth From Sky, a book studying the natural history found in mythology. Similarly, He attempts to understand mythology, yet from a Jungian perspective. Rather than focusing on the history uncoverable from myths, He attempts to delve into the nature of the masculine, in the framework of Jungian archetypes (the back story being, I guess [since I'm not very familiar], that certain experiences are so engrained in eons of human existence, they form a basis in all of our minds collectively, and from which we draw upon unconsciously) in the Arthurian myth of Perceval and the quest for the Holy grail. Perceval's life is akin the life of man and his quest to balance his masculinity with his inner feminine qualities -- something necessary for healthy life. Along with Freud, Jung believed these qualities were under the surface yet not irrepressible and had to be dealt with accordingly. Johnson declares they cannot be seduced or taken advantage of, but must be served. As he puts it (and I paraphrase), man's job is to serve woman, and then she will serve you.
I don't know if I buy it. Of course I believe that there are parts of ourselves that we repress for various reasons yet must ultimately be dealt with, but the Jungian archetypes themselves seem a bit dualistic and thus unstable to me. I have a hard time making the distinction (nor does Johnson himself go much into them -- I suppose it to be assumed) between the masculine and feminine, the realms of each and what they in turn represent. Since he also believes there is a little man in the woman (animus) and a little woman in the man (anima), this is further confounded. In addition, I have not read the original myth text, so I'm not sure how open this interpretation is, or what else could be gleamed from a reading or two.
Regardless, I have been interested in the mythos, the consciousness before the logic of today, and this book has been an interesting soiree into the idea the myths not only contain knowledge about natural history, but perhaps a certain hidden history, the mystery of our selves.
someday, there'll be a cure for pain.
that'll be the day i throw my drugs away.
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Sunday, February 11th, 2007
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The other day you said something that was pretty hurtful to me. You claimed that I was abusive to you, and you characterized our relationship as me finding you uninterested in life and uninteresting. Now, I'm not sure what these words mean to you, but to me, being abusive means maliciously manipulating another for one's own benefit and satisfaction. I'm not sure if this is what you meant, but this is how it was taken, and in such case it cut very deeply. It makes me feel like I never even knew you, that my time with you was nothing more than a power struggle in attempts to subordinate you. What hurts me the most is that this is how you say you feel about me and the time we spent together. When I feel like I tried to give so much and still in the end failing, that not even in retrospect you see anything but hurt and pain.
It makes me feel insane, feeling like there's this time I spent and it has no place in history. Maybe it was all in my mind (that's certainly how it seems sometimes), but I felt like I was alone trying to be a good boyfriend when trying to keep to you happy after all those bad things started to happen. Your mom getting in a car wreck, you struggling to reconcile with Gene only to have all that fall apart, developing symptoms of bipolar, all when I felt like I was homeless to the world (you and your family really felt like that only family I had -- your home seemed like my own). You and I spent a lot of close time together during very tough times -- I don't think many people have those type life-changing events happen all together in the span of their short relationship. I probably put too much weight on my shoulders, but it felt like I was alone. It felt like you didn't talk to your friends or family about your problems, just me, and with that I felt like I had to solve them for you, and I couldn't. And that hurt so much, to see someone you care about in so much pain. And then I only made it worse by being distant in order to keep my head on straight. You will say that it was my fault for being that way (as if I was choosing to hurt you and wanting to do so), but whatever. I didn't mean it, I didn't know what to do and I have to keep telling myself that. And I am sorry from way beyond the bottom of my heart -- its depths aren't sufficient to explain its feelings, nor are arbitrary words. In the end it doesn't matter anyway, I am paying the price for being cold and distant. I don't think it's fair, but there's not a thing I can do but eat bitterly of my own heart.
I could apologize ten thousand times to you for the times I didn't talk and kept it inside instead, kept my distance from you, not accepting the booby coathanger, hanging up on you in frustration, slipping my tongue and saying something I'd regret for the rest of time (and nullfied all those "I love you's"), but it wouldn't mean a thing to you. I can't get into your head and tell you what to think, nor do I think you would listen to me anyway. But despite what you are telling yourself or feel you must tell yourself to keep yourself sane, I did love and care for you. I know it's probably too tough to tell yourself that because it involves admitting a past that you don't want to face, but I have to keep telling myself it was there. It meant very much to me, despite where it left me. I cannot forget it or what it meant to me. I can't face a reality where I am so cruel as you eloquently put it.
I hope you are well, sincerely and truly. You owe me no feelings or sentiments. And do not worry about me -- I may be sad sometimes, but at least now I can see.
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Who knows about Morocco?
Hopefully I will by the end of February.
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Thursday, November 23rd, 2006
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| Time: | 8:32 pm. |
| Music: | dntel - if i don't return. |
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patience is the art of hoping.
-- vauvenargues
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, November 2nd, 2006
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of which we cannot speak, thereof we must remain silent.
-LW
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Saturday, August 19th, 2006
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| Time: | 2:45 pm. |
| Music: | steve reich - violin phase. |
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working on workin' on leaving the living.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, August 15th, 2006
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| Time: | 12:50 am. |
| Music: | massive attack - man next door. |
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i had a dream i kissed someone with thin lips.
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, July 26th, 2006
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"i've tried heroin, falling in love with someone else, fucking someone else, fucking a lot of someone elses, making out with other people, cutting them out of my life completely, getting into new serious relatonships, booze, having wild fun crazy adventures, listening to really sad music, putting my energy into my art instead of thinking about them all the time. but once someone who you really love breaks your heart .. you're kinda fucked for good."
:/ bleh
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| Time: | 1:49 am. |
| Mood: | intoxicated. | | Music: | elliott smith - the biggest lie. |
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[i'm waiting for the train,
subway that only goes on way.
oh the stupid things that will
come and tear us apart
making everybody late...]
a man on the train told me to "treat [my] girl right" lest she be lost forever. tell her nice things, that i love her, give her flowers, shower her with affection.... lest i find myself alone and lost the love of my life for good.
sadly, he got the wrong girl.
what he said struck a chord with me, he touched my fear. and although he was dazed in some sort of altered drug-induced state (not unlike the oracle of delphi) he spoke a truth to me, something that resonated with what i felt. what i felt was that it was too late for me --- that my love had been lost, and i was condemned for my mistakes, no matter how human they might be.
"i was a victim of a series of accidents, as we all are."
now what i rely upon is my faith. faith will purge my stupidity of rationality. when i feel like there is nothing left for me, faith is what i must have. when there only seems to be the impossible, faith is what gets me through. that and feeble attempts at stoicism. in the meantime, in my infinite days of wait, all i can do is try to do better. to build myself up. when i feel i've been beaten down, there's nothing else to do, but like a phoenix, rise from the ashes.
[it's just a brief smile, crossing your face.]
and now, for godot...
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 2:03 am. |
| Mood: | transatlanticistic. | | Music: | death cab for cutie - transatlanticism. |
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the atlantic was born today, and i'll tell you how.
the clouds above opened up and let it out.
i was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
when the water filled every hole.
and thousands
upon thousands
made an ocean making islands where no
islands should go, oh no.
most people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
i thought it less like a lake, and more like a moat.
the rhythm of my footsteps
crossing flatlands to your door
have been silenced
forevermore.
and the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row,
it seems farther than ever before, oh no....
i need you so much closer....
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 4:06 am. |
| Mood: | need to record. | | Music: | dcfc - title and registration. |
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the glove compartment isn't accurately named and everybody knows it.
so i'm proposing a swift ordely change 'cause
behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm,
and all i find are souvenirs from better times,
before the glean of your tailights fading east
to find yourself a better life.
i was searching for some legal document (as the rain beat down on the hood)
when i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget....
...and that's how this idea was drilled into my head.
'cause it's too important to stay the way it's been
but there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all
and here i rest where
disappointment
and regret
collide.
lying
awake
at
night.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, June 15th, 2006
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| Time: | 12:36 am. |
| Mood: | sick. |
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[
hard to believe
that after all this time
and after all this i'm
still me
]
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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remember the things that are most familiar to you. these are the things that are who you are.
remember what resonates with you, for this is what will bring the meaning of life.
do not forget why you do things. though you may become distraught or confused, remember the origin and source and then the path upon which you tread will be lighted again.
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riobard's journal